Action

I am so tired of waiting. So much of my life has been spent waiting for "then" The kids would complain that my typing at night was too loud. "Well, it is, " my husband would say. Staying awake, past their bedtime, in bed myself waiting for him to fall asleep, so I could creep out of the bedroom, and type as quietly as possible. "Too loud, mom, go to bed" Years later, I found out my son was awake because he was waiting for us to be asleep so he could sneak out the front door. That story will have to wait for another time. So, I waited to write. As a little girl, I was told to wait. Wait in this line. After school. After church. Next week. Next paycheck. Next vacation. When we retire. F*ck all that. But I was also taught that I didn't come first. I had to prioritize those ahead of me. Why was I never first? Why couldn't I prioritize myself? Those lessons forced onto us as children are damning. They are insidious. A friend of mine, a Pagan for as long as I've known her (more than 30 + years now) was recently in a car accident. It was a small, barely-a-scratch type of accident. Everyone was fine, no one hurt, physically. But emotionally? Emotionally, she is beside herself. She practically yelled at me the next time we met. "What did I do when I knew we were going to collide? I started saying the Hail Mary! What did those monsters do to me?" So now, having a literal crisis of faith, she's a wreck. She had thought she was done waiting. When she turned and embraced her choice of religion, she thought she was choosing. SHE was now making choices for herself! No more waiting! What could be more important than choosing your core beliefs? Instead, she was shook. Now she is actively out and campaigning against organized indoctrination of minors. Does "no longer waiting" actually mean aggression? I don't know. I just know that now, with the kids and husband gone, I no longer can write at night. Or sleep. I lie in bed at night, thinking through all of the things I am angry about because I waited and now may no longer be possible for me to do.